dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
