You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
