She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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