Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
