Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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