capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
