Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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