I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
