No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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