last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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