Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
