I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Randomize
