We named our party play list daddy issues
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
