you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
