Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
