i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
