A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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