if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
