I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
