best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
