She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
sex in a hospital.. check
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
