I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
