i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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