She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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