moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
