I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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