drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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