I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize