I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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