I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
