you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
FUCK WHALES
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
