Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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