and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
