Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
