I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize