I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
