She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
