You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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