Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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