My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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