I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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