shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
