It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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