My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
