Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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