A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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