I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
