Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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