I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You've changed since you got that strap on
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
