ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
