my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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