They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i came on her dog
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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