im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
