You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
