Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize