he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize