did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
