john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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